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April 19th, 2005

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April 15th, 2005

10:57 pm - Snakes...why does it always have to be snakes? I hate snakes There are times when the walls of this hollow little world I've created suddenly sprout spikes and start to slowly close in around me, like one of many scenes in any Indiana Jones movie. Unlike Indiana, however, I don't pull myself together and come up with some ingenious way to survive...I simply curl up into a little ball and desperately hope that it all stops before I become too wounded. I'm not sure if it works...I'm still here, but I can't say I'm not wounded. My mother is still not speaking to me. This is day three of 'operation silence', and she informed me tonight that, I "don't deserve shrimp." So, okay...wasn't really hungry anyway. I wouldn't mind this whole ordeal if I thought I actually deserved it, but I don't think I do. She was making my work life incredibly difficult, so I tried to quit and my bosses asked me why and I listed a million reasons...only one of which was the unhealthy practice of working closely with my mother...and my bosses decided to move me into a different department in order to keep me as an employee. So my mom got pissed...said I had been selfish, had made a fool of her, and had screwed her over by removing myself as one of her best resources. So what the fuck...am I just supposed to continue to live in hell in order to do what is most convenient for her? I mean, if she hadn't been a total bitch to work for in the first place, this wouldn't have happened. I need to get the fuck of out this town. Just one more year...I can survive one more year, right? Most of my friends have long since left the Philly area, and it’s about time I joined them. As I’m fond of saying, “So tell me what it is about me, where did everybody go without me?” Well, as soon as I graduate, I'm packing up and heading out...my life is waiting for me out there somewhere. Current Mood: depressed

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April 3rd, 2005

01:20 am - Replaceable Interchangeable Me I haven't written much lately...mostly because I have nothing new to really say. I've moved past the emotional highs and lows to a general depressed malaise. I'm okay, but at the same time I'm not okay...I'm just okay. I was talking to Ryan last night, and I said, without giving it too much prior thought, that if I could go back in time, I wouldn't date Mike again. I can't say that about anyone else...I'd even still 'date' Ron if I had the chance. In my 5am still-drunken stupor, I told Ryan that it was because nothing else, noone else, had ever destroyed me...destroyed my beliefs or ideals. Mike did...has...destroyed a lot of me. I don't believe in the things I used to believe in...I don't hope for the kind of love I once did...I don't believe it exists. My dreams have changed because of Mike... I thought about it today, and I've realized that it's true....every part of it is true. My self-esteem has been taking a giant nose-dive lately. I gave up smoking, so yay me...but I've replaced nicotine with chocolate, and it's only a matter of time before that becomes a huge problem. I feel replaceable...hell, I am apparently replaceable. What does that say about me...about my worth? I should have accepted a long time ago that I had never and would never mean what I should have meant to Mike...so I'm replaceable...three years, a lot of memories, a jointly-signed lease...and, as far as I knew, love...and I'm almost instantaneously replaceable. So be it Current Mood: depressed

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March 21st, 2005

10:14 pm - Eh I'm having a particularly melancholy day. I was feeling tense and upset and stuff, so earlier I pulled out the vibrator...figured it might help. I got about 20 seconds of vibration into it when I started crying. It seems funny now...I guess I just needed to cry. So I did...and I got it out, for now. I miss Mike...like, a lot. I miss talking to him, I miss being with him...I miss him. But I know that it's just too painful to watch him become happy with someone else...so this is for the best, I know that. It just doesn't stop me from missing him. I miss Evan too, as surprising as that is. I miss having him around...I'm not happy that he's married. Do you know what my #1 wish is? I wish that I could go back and relive periods of time as who I am now. I would have handled the Stephen situation better as me now, I would have made different decisions about Ron, and about Evan as who I am now. Mike...well, that would probably be the same. C'est la vie. Sometimes though, I wish I could go back and be the now-me back then. How's Brad, you ask? Eh. The butterflies went away...I'm kinda thinking it's not gonna work. He's a little too religious for me, and his quirks are starting to become annoying. There's something seriously wrong with me...Brad is not the first guy I'm gone 0-to-60-to-0 over. Current Mood: melancholy

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March 1st, 2005

11:08 am - Jonathon Earl Bowser I love my new icon...it's from a drawing by one of my favorite artists, Jonathon Earl Bowser. Anyone who has ever delved into the world of RPG avatars probably knows his name, if not his work. He does a lot of goddess-oriented art, and well, I love the women he draws and I love their hair ;) Check him out if you haven't before: www.JonathonArt.com As far as everything else goes, all is well. Brad is away in Pittsburgh this week, and we haven't talked much. I'm trying to force myself to just chill, despite being handed a "Angela, freak out" card on Friday. I'm taking the day off from school today because the weather sucks...and because that's what I do lately. I haven't been to work in about a week, and I've skipped a lot of classes. I needed a break, still do. Current Mood: calm

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February 26th, 2005

12:21 pm - T-R-O-U-B-L-E I am in Trouble... I like the boy...the girl likes the boy...a lot...surpringingly a lot. We had a 9 hour second date...and every second was fun. I sat in his dark livingroom and listened to him play the piano for two hours...he's amazing; I had tears in my eyes. He writes his own songs, and each one is just beautiful. I felt the first signs of danger on that couch during those hours...this little voice in my head said, "he's too easy to fall for...maybe you should get out of this before love is involved." He feels it too...the possibility, the ease and comfort that we just naturally have with each other, not to mention the chemistry...it's all a recipe for disaster. See, there's a tiny part of the puzzle that I haven't yet revealed, the zoom-out feature that reveals that what you thought was an apple is actually a mango. He's seperated...still married, not yet divorced kind of seperated. His wife cheated on him...it's been three years, but he's not ready to love anyone again. He told me last night that he was broken...and a million sirens went off in my head. I couldn't even count high enough to tell you how many times Mike told me he was broken. Brad said that he doesn't think he can love again, but that this is the first time he's wanted to be able to. On a second date, I might add...and totally unprompted by me. He feels it too. So what should I do? Do I continue seeing this amazing guy and either try to maintain an emotional distance or hope that he finds the ability to love...or do I cut my losses and pull out now before the possibility exists that anyone would get hurt? Current Mood: pensive

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February 25th, 2005

03:15 pm - I feel like a woman... Is it weird that NOT being kissed made me feel more valuable than I have in a long time? When did I lose my expectations for romance? I've become so used to being a sexual object...to thinking that a good blowjob will mean another date...to having sex be the main thing that I brought to the table. I like being worth more than how good I am in bed. I like that Brad sees more in me than a great set of tits. ;) With Mike, it was sex first and personality later...I ended up naked on our first date...and I should have known then that sex was simply sex to him...that sex would never be something bound by love...and that he would, inevitably, continue having sex with everyone else. Maybe I was the idiot after all... Brad, on the other hand, isn't like any other guy I've dated, or even met. He doesn't have sex unless he can say, "I love you"...I like the thought. It seems so outdated, and yet it's somehow really touching. I told Mike last night that I was thinking about becoming, in some ways, a born-again virgin. He laughed at me and he said, "well, just expect to be disappointed when men don't stick around." But, the thing is that Brad would stick around...that maybe many more guys out there would stick around. When, and Why, did I give up my ideals? When Brad didn't kiss me...when in the middle of stroking my hair and kissing my neck, he whispered, "it's too bad it's a first date and I can't kiss you," something clicked. It may be that I have never felt so valuable to a man...I certainly have never felt that it was me, and not some initial lust, that kept a guy coming back. Is it sad that it takes a guy refusing to kiss me to make me feel like a real woman? Brad and I have another date tonight... Current Mood: excited

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12:48 am - New Rules You know, the internet has changed the rules, and I'm not sure that any of us really know what they are anymore. I mean, it used to be that you went on a date, and if a guy didn't call you within three days, you wrote it off...okay, well those were my rules. Well, honestly, if he didn't call, I'd obsess about it for a week and then get pissed off, and then write it off... Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked...my point is that the internet has changed the rules. What happens when the guy you had an incredible date with signs on the next day? Brad signed on today, and I spent five minutes deciding not to IM him. Then I amused myself for half an hour on various websites until he signed off. He didn't IM me either. The odd thing is that before we met, I wouldn't have hesitated to Im him or vice versa, I'd imagine. So why didn't I...why didn't he? I don't think I'm that delusional that I imagined what happened last night, or that he doesn't equally feel a spark...he was pretty open about what he felt, and he wasn't looking to get laid, so I think he was actually being sincere. So, I'm ruling out the "he's not that interested" option. So why then? I know why I didn't IM him...I am desperately trying not to be the "one date and I'm in love" girl. I'm not in love...I like the guy, there's potential for love...but it's not there yet, not going to be for a while. So I just didn't want to come on too strong...maybe he felt the same way? My point, in all of this, is not to analyze and antagonize over why he didn't IM me...it's simply to state my case that the internet has changed the rules...what are these new rules? Are we now supposed to ignore one another until a time when we won't appear too anxious or needy? Grrrr...this was never a problem before AIM. Current Mood: blah

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February 24th, 2005

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February 19th, 2005

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February 14th, 2005

01:25 pm - Valentine's Day So, it's Valentine's Day, and oddly enough, I'm in a good mood. Colleen said the funniest thing to me the other night...she called to tell em that Joe's dad died, and the conversation got around to how I was doing. I told her I was a little down, but I'd be fine...she asked me why, and I said, "well, it's Valentine's Day on Monday..." She goes, "Awww Honey, I forgot you were into hallmark holidays!" It was funny...it made me feel stupid and amused at the same time. Mike called me this morning...to say he was thinking about me. "You know I hate today, but I wanted you to know that you're on my mind." It was sweet...it was nice to know that he does still care...it was unexpected, and touching. A couple weeks ago, I ordered flowers for him for today...to be delivered at work. It was nothing sappy, just something to make him smile. But, of course, he's home sick today, so he won't get them until tomorrow. Typical. I'm fighting the urge to go over to his apartment after work. I'd like to surprise him with soup and a movie...but surprises are dangerous lately, and I don't want to end up driving home hysterical because some other girl was already there. I dunno...maybe I'll just ask him if he wants to hang out. Then again, maybe I shouldn't spend Valentine's Day with him...well, I know I shouldn't, but I'd like to. I think I must be a glutton for punishment. Current Mood: cheerful

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February 12th, 2005

05:14 pm - Valentine's Day... Well, Valentine's Day looms ahead...and, as you may have expected, each passing hour makes me more miserable. I'm dreading Monday...I'm dreading the world of pink, red, and white that is going to await me throughout my day, the love songs that will ooze sickeningly out of every radio, filling every supermarket, every Wawa, even my fucking drive to and from school and work, the hearts that will appear like chickenpox across the land, the couples walking hand in hand everywhere, or smiling 'I love you' into their cell phones for the small moments when they're apart. You're in love...good for you...I truly don't wish the world to be a loveless place, but I also don't particularly want to have to survive my single loveless day in the midst of your intoxicatingly overwhelming joy over being in love. Where the hell is my 'happily ever after'? My love life reads like a soap-opera-script-idea reject list. One got scared, ran away, and hates me now, one is marrying the girl he left me for, one was old and married and mexican (who knew?), I let my only opportunity with a now-married one slip away because of the old married mexican, and one loved me for three years and wanted to marry me...and then suddenly didn't...or maybe he never did, considering how many other women he slept with. I'm officially depressed about Valentine's Day...I feel like a Jewish orphan at Christmas...looking out at a world that seems so happy, so sparkling, exciting, inviting, and joyful...a world that I can't be a part of. I miss Mike...I know it's my fault for breaking up with him, and yes, I know he deserved it and I deserve better, and yada yada yada. But, we had a lot of good times...as friends, you mostly hear the bad shit because that's mostly what I bitch about...but he loved me and I loved him...and, despite all the bad stuff, when he held me, it made me feel as though everything would be okay...as though nothing in the world could hurt me as long as I was within his arms...as though I was where I was meant to be. I've never had that feeling before...and I can only hope that someday I feel it again. Deep down, i suppose I know it wouldn't work, but at this moment, I'd give anything to have him back again. Current Mood: depressed

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February 9th, 2005

11:35 am - Grrrr So, here's the story: The old journal was causing too much bullshit and drama because everyone involved, especially L, knew where it was. I was beginning to get caught up in petty games that are, quite frankly, beneath me. The shit hit the fan because I read L's away messages and she read my journal entries...Mike flipped out when L called him the other night, asking "why did you do this to me?" in reference to he and I sleeping together last week. I'm not sure where she thought she got the right to have a problem with it. I stopped giving him shit about what he did because it wasn't my right...it's not her's either. She's an irritation that I wish would just go away, but she's around and there's nothing I can do about that. Mike and I are almost officially done with each other's lives. He owes me money, so I'm going to his apartment to pick it up after work tonight. I'm sure we'll talk things through then, but I doubt anything will change. I had hoped that our friendship, if nothing else, would mean more to him than it obviously does...the bottom line is that I don't stay where I'm not wanted. Over the past few months, he has held onto me just as much as I've held onto him...so if he can let go, maybe I can too. I just have to keep telling myself that I broke up with him...and there had to have been a good reason for that, right? Current Mood: tired

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February 8th, 2005

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